Let's see, updates updates...

Last Saturday was my birthday celebration. So far I had the best time out of all my birthdays! (So thanks to everyone who made the night out wonderful!)

Oh fall, and all the emotions it brings. Not that this is a new realization, but I over think things to the point where I rarely live in the present. I really need to work on that.
There are so many things I need to work out lately, but i'm lacking in motivation.
My apartment keeps me sane. Nothing is better than sitting in the living room with my roommates and just laughing together.
Halloween is tomorrow and I'm so excited for trick or treaters to come to our place! Our place is looking really cozy- I made these ghosts that hang from our porch, Colleen carved a pumpkin, Liz made a delicious pumpkin pie, and we've been burning autumn scented candles.

There are so many things I could rant about right now but my energy is lacking so expect a better entry in later days.

Night.

on missing London.

Freedom

Rainy February mornings on Westminster Bridge
are be challenging for crossing tourists and parliament men in strict black suits.
Passing by, I watch them push their umbrellas forward, shielding themselves from the forceful rain
competing with the winter wind.
Their faces, focusing forward, reflect the dull gray sky.

But I’d rather spin around, hands free, eyes focused on the sky
and let the rain and wind carry me across.
I wonder if I have ever felt as free as I do in London, on Westminster Bridge.
The rain and wind are just a setting my temporary stay in London
and as long as they continue to carry me,
I am free.

Catching up.

I really should be doing my creative writing work, but maybe i'll be inspired after this.

I have a new boyfriend. His name is Mac. You know, Dell and I just weren't working out. After his mental crash I knew things between us were broken and couldn't be fixed. No hard feelings, but i've moved on.

I discovered this gorgeous park in Valley Forge. I was semi lost at the time but really glad to have found it. I can't wait for the next warm day that i'm free so I can go there and take a walk, do some writing, all that good stuff.

Autumn is here! Autumn and I have a love- hate relationship. I love the quaintness of fall, the colors of the leaves, apple cider, cinnamon scented candles, pumpkin picking, scaring myself at haunted hayrides, sweaters, and such. I dislike the mood swings I get from thinking about change and getting nostalgic (although they do give me ideas for poems).
Anyway, things to look forward to this week:

Claire coming this weekend!
Cooking/eating all the yummy food I bought today
The season premier of Brothers and Sisters!

Alright, back to work!

Ray Ramono?

Okay so as I was standing on my bed to remove the spider lurking above me as I sleep, tissue in my right hand, dust pan in my left (for a safety precaution- can't have little spiders crawling on me at night) Anita and I heard a voice. It said, "Ray Ramono". Where this voice came from...we do not know. Needless to say we're a bit scared! Now I must leave on our mission to discover where this mystery voice! Wish us luck!

spinning around and around

The last two weeks have been a crazy ride. After I got back from Canada my life seemed to just take off in all directions. From 21st birthday parties to packing everything up to move into an apartment, to practicing for the freshmen orientation's diversity skit I haven't had the chance to stop and catch my breath until now. Classes start tomorrow and I already feel like I'm in my own little bubble.

Thinking back on the past two weeks certain moments that have taught me things about myself.

-I realized that jumping on a bed is so stress relieving for me. I just can't help but have fun and laugh while doing it! I know that may seem so silly but its one thing that will always make me happy!

- When it comes down to routines and being organization- I need it as a foundation. I couldn't stand to have my apartment in shambles the first few days. I wanted everything in its place so that I could just go on with my life and relax.

- One thing the cable guy taught me- chocolate retrievers are not a good kind of dog to get. When he told me that I was so disappointed! Apparently they have some mental problems because of the way they've been bred. (Aka family members with family members). Crazy fact to hear from your cable guy- I know!

- After hours of practice and 9 skits later I realized that I can push my nerves down inside of me and effectively play a role in a skit.

- Lastly, I have to say I'm really proud of the way my discussion groups went after the skit. Knowing that I was able to set an environment for a group to discuss their feelings on some uncomfortable issues reassures me that I can be a counselor in the future.



I'm looking forward to taking my time this school year. I want senior year to feel like it lasts a while with lots of fun times!

8/11

It’s amazing to me how passion can be something inspirational, moving, empowering but on the other spectrum something blinding, restrictive, and dividing. People who deeply believe in their cause make changes in the world but there’s a point where the passion is so great that person can no longer see from other perspectives. Passion can be a positive characteristic to have. Being blinded by passion to the point where a person cannot step back and see from another perspective can be dangerous. I guess being blinded by passion is how a lot of confrontations start. There are levels to passion, and going beyond the healthy point can hurt relationships and cause turmoil in lives.

Being opposed to a point of view doesn't have to mean you're opposed to the person!!

8/3

So today as I walked up towards the cottage from the beach I over heard the kids talking about doing different types of jumps into the water. “Do the Amanda jump” I heard someone say so I stopped to watch what this jump named after me might look like. One of the cousins explained…it’s like a pencil jump but not as straight- hands flared out, knees and feet bent to one side and a squeal like ooeee! I thought that was too funny. I never realized that the kids paid attention to the way I first get into the chilly lake! I don’t consider myself as an “older” cousin here, but hearing the younger kids talk made me realize that they really do pay attention to the “older” cousins’ mannerisms.
Later in the evening we tried to make a bon fire but the wind from the approaching storm made it impossible. All the kids came running down to the “older” cousins to watch the lightening. I think we all liked the idea of having safety in numbers and that we shared feelings of nervousness and excitement about the big storm that was coming our way. We ran to Natasha’s bungalow for shelter from the rain and watched the storm pass over us.
I’ve reached the point during my vacation where all my clothes smell like bon fire, I can sit around in quiet and not be bored, and I’m used to having no contact with the real world- but- those black flies are still finding their way to biting me in the most random places!
Anyway, I’m having a great time with my sometimes wacky family but we’d be boring if we didn’t have our silly moments.

7/30

Despite the ravenous black flies that make you bleed after they bite, my time here is going really well. I can’t lie, I’m a bit buzzed. The “older” cousins /cousin’s boyfriend and I have had a few drinks tonight around the bon fire (and we moved into the basement for some “kings” fun when it started to rain). So after sharing funny stories, laughs, and memories we decided it’s about that time where the rum can’t help but put you to sleep.
Back to those black flies though- I can’t understand how they manage to get into the most awkward spots of your body. Inside your ears, down my underwear, etc!!! They are ridiculous little buggers. I’m so fed up! – They’re not like regular mosquitoes because they really make bumps that last a week or so. Currently I have one on my neck that could be mistaken for a hickie. Really, these guys are feisty. Last night I was driving my Sitty (Lebanese for grandma) home and I feel something dripping down my eye. Yeah, well one of those damn black flies bit me in the crease of my eyelid!
Anyway, one thing I love about being with the family here is church on Sunday. My family is religious so we all go to the same country church together. There are about 30 of us packed into the pews singing away and feeling special because the priest is our cousin/uncle. I guess making faces at all your cousins throughout the mass makes the church experience more fun or maybe it’s just the comfort in knowing that you’re surrounded by family.
I met my new baby cousin Mathieu today. He is so adorable! Jacob (his brother, now three) is so talkative now! He’s into Darth Vader, reading French and English books, and discovering things on the ground. He’s one of the few relatives who actually look like me so automatically we have a bond.
Right, so about that rum putting people to sleep- I’m going to go do that now.

7/26 quiet time in my mind

You don’t really know what quiet is until you’re sleeping alone in the basement of a cottage in the country. Claire’s not here and I’m lonely without her. I need someone to chat with before I go to sleep! I’ll get used to it, and it might be good for me? Actually keeping up with things on my “to do” list seems more likely now that I’m on my own more.
The drive up here didn’t seem to take as long as usual. Maybe I’m finally used to the long hours in the car after 21 years of driving to Canada. Anthony and his family are here as well. He’s leaving early to skateboard across Newfoundland for charity. I’m bummed that I won’t have my buddy here, but I know skating is what he loves and he’ll have an amazing time. So there go my two wing people! (Claire and Anthony).
After dinner Anthony built a little bon fire (which by the way he is the pyro king) but for some reason I must have some sweet blood streaming through me because the flies were on me tonight despite the smoke. They bit through my sweat pants and underwear twice to get some of my bum. After some catching up talk and getting fed up with the flies Tomie, Philip, Maria, Anthony and I played a few rounds of cards- drug dealer and “bumhole” aka asshole. Say hello to your future president thank you very much! I had Anthony stand on his porch to watch me walk through the little pathway in the woods between his bungalow and mine.
Well I might as well start the country life early and go to bed now so that I can wake up fresh in the morning for a nice swim.
Dear bugs who I’m sharing the basement with, please don’t crawl, land, or snack on me tonight!!! You’re space is on the floor all the way near the door and mine is in the corner protected by the pillows.
Sincerely,
The unadjusted suburban girl, Amanda

the sun is in the sky oh why oh why would I want to be anywhere else

So I win the award for the heaviest suitcase in the family. What? I like to have my options! Yesterday we drove 12 hours to St. John New Brunswick Canada. I was so happy last night because I had my own room! The room we stayed in had a little side children’s bed room. Anything that block out the sound of my parent’s snoring makes me a happy traveler. Hehe
I’m surprised at how warm it is here! High 80s- not bad for Canada. At night it still gets cold, but that’s perfect for bon fires.
Starting now I have to transition into two weeks of no cell phone usage, not being on the internet as much, and being around people who are nice just because they’re nice! At home I get suspicious when people are being extra friendly. Here talking to people in the elevator about where our travels lead is just normal.
Well we’re off to Nova Scotia! (only 500 more miles…oye)

summer came like cinnamon, so sweet

So I'm leaving for Canada on Wednesday- my yearly summer trip to be with all my relatives. Because I only get to spend time there twice a year I idealize the place. I don't think its a bad fantasy to have- I think of Ben Eoin (the name of the town where our cottage is) as a relaxing place that helps me get my head clear. Whenever I feel overwhelmed I picture myself there and I feel more at ease. Maybe its the country air that smells like freshly cut sweet grass or perhaps all the salt water my body absorbs from swimming everyday or just the fact that I'm away from the chaotic lifestyle I live in New Jersey, but I believe that the wounds I've collected over the past year have time to mend themselves there. Maybe they won't be completely fixed in two weeks, but at least I have time to take care of my own well being.

This year I have a list of things that I want to make sure I do.
- continue my writing- poetry, journal, thoughts etc,
- continue my artwork that I started in London- water colors, collages
- finally get time to read some books!
- study for the GREs =( boooo
- have an amazing time with my family and friends!
- eat tons of Lebanese food! haha
I'm looking forward to cutting back on my cell phone and Internet usage, but I will keep in touch to prevent myself from going crazy.

you're bad news

This has been one of those frustrating days when all the little things that have been going wrong start to add up. I had to go to best buy to buy a new camera charger (later finding out its the wrong thing!). I decided to stop into borders to browse through the books. I found myself in the self-help section to see what the latest advice is on relationships and self improvement. On my way I had to take a detour. There was this young couple making out right where the relationship guides were! The guy was sitting on one of the step stools and she was on his lap. Imagine some person going to look up ways to get over his/her breakup and there you find a couple getting all into their PDA! I thought to myself, can't they move into the romance section?
Anyway, tonight Cara, Lauren, and I are going to Clyde's (the martini bar in New Brunswick). I'm in need of some distractions.

there are oceans and waves and wires between us

To be honest my decision to start writing again has me feeling nervous. I used to be devoted to my journal to the point where missing one day of writing would throw my mental state off balance. I love my journal dearly but most of the time my hand can't keep up with my running thoughts. For a while now I've been using my friends as a verbal journal. Lately I've been feeling pent up and irritable because so much has been going on at such a fast rate, but my main man who has replaced my journal has been away for far too long (or so it seems). My days blur into one another and it's about time I begin remembering what has happened and on what days!

This summer has been full of ups and downs. Sometimes I wonder how I had the energy to make it to July. I wasn't ready to come home from London. I didn't want that phase of my life to end. I wasn't a different person, but I liked myself in London. While living there I felt free. I fell in love with the feeling that my past was across the Atlantic. I felt refreshed as if I had more control over my life there. I learned how to be okay with being on my own. I grew into my skin more while away 4 months in Europe than I did the past 3 years at Villanova. I developed a greater appreciation for all the people I love back at home.
A few days ago I got scared because I started to forget things like the names of my favorite tube stops (such as Oxford Circus where I would get off to shop at the Top Shop). I don't want my memories to fade! Now when I talk about my time abroad it feels like a dream, and I find myself staring off trying to remind myself that it was real. I remember walking to work, battling the cool wind as I crossed over Westminster bridge, and thinking how surreal this feels. Maybe I knew that my time there was short and one day I would be home (like I am now) wanting to feel the way I did when on the bridge.

::sigh:: How I miss tea and rich tea biscuit breaks, hot chocolate with my flatmates, watching costume dramas, the lovestruck section of the London paper, watching the drunken fights outside the kitchen window, gigs at the buffalo bar, working at St. Thomas's Hospital school and so much more. I must start saving up for my next visit. (After my friend Nicola comes to visit here next summer!!!!)
Anyway, this melancholy rant could go on forever, but I'll stop now and sleep.